“I have a partner for years, I fantasized about having a colleague and chatting with an old friend. What to do?” | Gramellini Heart Mail

from Massimo Gramellini

“I’ve had a partner for 15 years: the bond is strong, but I have fantasies about a colleague and talking to an old friend.” Write to [email protected]

This is the column of the publication The Heart edited by Massimo Gramellini «7». The 7 of Hearts is the card that indicates the second chance, the chance that appears, and the chance to complete something that has remained incomplete. It is an invitation for us to start over, to start saving, to accept and support change. In which direction? We want to help you choose it: write to [email protected]

Dear Massimo,
I am 48 years old, a partner of over 15 and two children. Our relationship has always been conflicting, but despite everything, the bond is strong and we still have a great sexual understanding. But I feel the need to escape. Last year I met a younger colleague who I really like. There is absolutely nothing between us. I try to cross him on some pretext and when I see him I feel happy all day like a middle school girl. He is very handsome, married to an equally beautiful woman, and his conversation with me is limited exclusively to business matters. However, I still build fantasies, dreaming of secret encounters between us. Meanwhile, I’m secretly “talking” to an old friend who has a nice place for me, only to feel the desire again and to forget my young fellow with whom I’ll never be in a relationship. Does it help me name what is happening to me?
Alice

I’ll try, Alice,

But not before asking for help in the following message.

Dear Gramellini,
I often read in his column about people who, after years of living together, declare that they are not satisfied and are looking elsewhere for their lost passion. It almost always urges them to acknowledge the end of the relationship and to look elsewhere for the lost passion. Certainly some relationships should be closed because they are the cause of tension and quarrels, but in many other relationships extinguishing passion is physiological. Buddhist philosophy refers to three levels of communication: physical, mental, and emotional. The physical, the most external, is the most ephemeral. Therefore, I find it only natural, after years together, that the initial passion is no longer felt. At 50, I’m in a relationship with someone I rarely make love to, but find myself doing very well both mentally and emotionally. Every now and then I feel short, but why do we get rid of everything just for this reason? I’m no longer a kid with high hormones and I think we’re running out of time for a one night stand and stop for adventures. I would like a woman to reach 100% on all three levels of contact, but I’ve been looking for a lifetime and haven’t found her yet. So why deny yourself moments of tenderness with another person just because you don’t feel great physical passion for them?
c.

G. is the reason:

We all want a partner that excites, supports and compliments us. But the human condition is based on the ego (“original sin”) which makes it virtually impossible to achieve the triple. Finding someone who shares our passion with the same intensity is a rare and fleeting task. Even the most unsettling passion ends, and as writer Chiara Gambiral says, love stops “making us” and we are the ones who should start “making” love. First of all, from a physical point of view: you have to make an effort, come up with new games and fantasies, otherwise the bodies will stop communicating and the relationship will quickly turn into a habit and then deteriorate into neglect. On the other hand, even finding an “angelic” love like G’s, a passionate partnership where the erotic component from the start is minimal and in no way driving, is an experience that turns out to be unsatisfactory in the long run. The body is an indispensable means of communication. Any report without it is considered a smuggled surrender from the standpoint of logic. Deep in our hearts, we are always teenagers like Romeo and Juliet, eager for the ultimate in feelings. And it is easier (I correct myself: less difficult) to turn passion into affectionate love than the other way around.

“Any relationship without sex is COUNTERFEIT OUT OF SENSE”

At one time, there were no particular problems: spouses came together for the sake of family interests, and sexual passion was a rather rare option, even if only spouses were free to bring it out of wedlock, taking care to keep up with appearances, and sometimes even these . Now we rightly claim that those who form a family with us represent our (sexual) purpose and (emotional) half. And here I come to you, dear Alice. You’ve found a compatible man: 15 years later you can still put up with each other and make love. But you expect the excitement of the beginnings and that frankly he can no longer give you. Do we want to be honest on account of someone’s scandal? Unlimited monogamy is not a natural condition: it was imposed by civilization for obvious reasons of public (and economic) order. However, even an extroverted couple has insurmountable flaws: I won’t be able to manage them. Alice, you asked me to name what’s happening to you. There it is: dissatisfaction. But there will be no one else to please her (go and re-read Madame Bovary). You must do it yourself. Only then will you find the person you are looking for, and perhaps you will discover that he is actually the one you are looking for.

Apr 30, 2022 (change on Apr 30, 2022 | 19:09)

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